A Quick note about this post.
It's going to be weird, the tone might shift dramatically, it might not always make sense. It's a reflection of where my mind has been at this past year, and, ultimately, a call for help and support. Please stick with it.
You can click this link to go to my ko-fi page and support me in trying to get stable again
A Short Reflection
A Year and Two days ago I wrote about how they're putting blue food coloring in everything. I can't even remember the specific insighting incident, but it was a response to this constant stream of apps putting "AI" features into them, often enabled without user consent, pushed heavily with full screen popups or intrusive icons. It got a little popular, front page on Lobste.rs, hackernews, a few hundred reposts on Bluesky and Mastodon. It clearly resonated with people. I got accused of using an AI to write it.
Since I wrote that, almost every app and service I use has been 'infected' with the blue coloring. My messaging app has a button that lets me reword things like a caveman, I can "prompt" my photos. I move away where I can, but every alternative slowly gets infected too. It looks like iOS27 forces AI to be enabled (and taking 20GB of storage, natch). I look into moving back to Android, that's full of AI too. Everything is blue.
I moved to linux recently. vim is vibecoded now, my desktop manager has an AI chat function, even that isn't safe (but it's safer and more controllable). I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. I don't like the taste of blue.
This post isn't about my silly short story though. This one is about burnout and desperation.
What's the deal?
It's been a year since I really wrote anything. I wrote a small followup post to the blue food coloring one, ironically in a sort of death-of-the-author way. People can interpret what they like from my writing. It's not about blue food coloring, for me, it's about AI. It could be about heated seats in cars. Take what you will from the thing I make.
Anyway.
It's been a year.
I haven't really done much in that year.
I burned out. I burned out so hard that I'm disabled in multiple ways. Okay, that's not all a result of burnout, but it's quite telling. I can't walk around my small block of terraced houses without being in agony. I can't stand up to cook a meal, 10 minutes is too much. I can't work. I had about 40 hours of contracted work back when I wrote that post a year ago. I've not quite worked my way through those hours. It's not for lack of trying.
Every day for this past year, with a few small exceptions. I've woken up, dragged myself out of bed with the full intent of today being The Day. I make a little progress on one item, and then I collapse into myself, the last iota of cosmic dust falling in and increasing my density to a stellar black hole (I know that's not how black holes form don't @ me). And yet it's taken me a year to get not-quite-40-hours of paid work done. I even like the work! A lot! I just... can't.
It's not for lack of trying, of course. It's been a year. I have tried every trick. I've tried having a break. I've tried pushing harder and harder. Going caffeine free, copious amounts of caffeine. Locking myself in a room, Do Not Distrub on. The thing that's helped the most has been my client co-working along with me, doing things as a pair. But honestly? Life has been determined to distract me, pull me away, otherwise abuse and take my time.
I would make an appointment to see my doctor to see if they can help. Wait all day for a phonecall, only to get rearranged to a different day. Wait all day for that only to say I 'missed' the call and now I have to rebook. I go to book? They're closed, call back in a week, use the online form (that's also closed). This happens with everything. I am perfectly set up for work and git inexplicably breaks. I am ready to have a nice bath before work, candles, bubble bath, the works. Mains burst on my street and my water looks like coffee :)
My car got written off
This is one example. A few months ago (and god, it's been months). My car got written off.
Firstly, my car broke. Another day that was supposed to be productive, I went to go help a disabled family member, turned down a side street and my car just... turned off. Stranded me in the middle of the road. Got pushed into a 'parking' space, and spent the next 12 hours waiting for rescue. For those curious, my fuel pump died. So I had fuel but everything seemed like I'd just... ran out of deisel. I was treated like an idiot at first :)
It cost £450 and 2 weeks to fix. A friend helped me out with the money. Even more so, because I was quoted one price, but then they added an extra £150 at the garage. Of course, at that point I'm stressed and just desperate to have my car back. I'm not good with garages, because I'm femme presenting and socially awkward. I despise working with them.
2 weeks after I get the car back, my neighbour hits a car on my road, and then swerves into my car and causes damage to every panel on the drivers side. Insurance declare it as a writeoff. I wasn't even in it.
That car was my joy. It sounds silly, but it was a 2010 Jaguar XF. It had been surprisingly reliable in the engine and electrics. Only some door lock failures and a battery issue. The rest was general wear and tear. I had been neglecting some of the upkeep, and it needed new tyres and some additional work, but I loved it. It was comfy, it was automatic. I paid for it outright back when I was working 2 jobs and doing my degree full time in 2022. I had earned it. It cost £4750.
Insurance gave me £2,600.
Theoretically, that's its worth for an equivalent when you check online spec-for-spec. But for a Jaguar, it was a good example of one, and I wouldn't want to replace it with an equivalent, only for the fuel pump to die in 2 weeks again...
That doesn't matter though, because, of course, my insurance went up. I asked for help, once again. and with some work, I had £3500. I was looking at a car in a better insurance group, with more safety features (an MG5, they're reliable electric cars). My insurance said it would be £500 per month to insure it. 5x what I currently pay.
I get other quotes. If I change insurance it would only be a 30% increase.
I come extremely close to getting scammed buying a car. I give up. I have spent a month at this point, hours and hours of phonecalls (time taken from work, of course). My neighbours have had their car back for a while now.
Privilege
Okay, so I'm actually insanely privileged. I have a car. I had a car this whole time. It's a 2009 Suzuki Swift. It has 2 doors, a manual transmission and it was sat on my in-law's drive for nearly 3 years.
It had no MOT (UK mandatory roadworthiness test), and we'd actually been forced to rather rapily move it to our place just a week after getting the old car back from its new Fuel Pump. It cost us £70 to move it. March was an expensive month.
Why didn't I immediately just get this car up and running? Well, it had been stood for 3 years. I'd just got it running (with help), but I had no idea if it would pass the MOT.
It's also tiny, and manual transmission. My girlfriend is 6'4", and barely fits in it. I have chronic knee pain, a manual transmission is almost unbearable to drive for any period of time.
It was worth £800 second-hand. Assuming I could spent the ???? to get it running again.
So I got it running again. I cried when it passed it's MOT, which it barely did. It costs me as much to insure as the electric car. But I have a car again.
I'm not going to detail the fight with my insurance, but it was another 10 hours of phonecalls.
At least it's a cute car
The Meat of it.
Let's get to the meat of it.
I am at a desperation point. Again. I've asked for so much help, and I've received so much support. But things have gotten bad again. I haven't been able to cope with all this stress. I'm disabled, I can't walk. I've gone through a breakup, I've had friends ghost me. I've not found any more work and even if I could, I don't even know if I could do it. Things have broken and every day I step out of the house something awful happens.
I'm nearly 3 months behind on rent. That's £2,600. I'm at risk of being homeless (again). I can't even walk to the end of my block. Being homeless would kill me.
I'm in a lot of debt. Debt collectors at my door, for another £2000. Every knock or bang outside makes my heart sink.
I have used up the pay from my car being written off. I paid some debts with it, and got the Suzuki up and running, but I'm flat out broke. Not just "Oh there's no money in my account" broke, but "I have maxxed out all lines of credit and I'm drowing" broke. I have tried my hardest every single day, but I cannot do any more. I kept going and kept going and it's been too much. I have pushed myself further than I should have, and I'm suffering from it.
I need help.
I need a lot of help, and I'm sorry to ask.
I've applied for disability support, and job seeking support. The UK isn't great for that, and I have to go for an in-person appointment on Tuesday. Disability support application has taken my partner months. I book an appointment with my doctor and it takes weeks. I can't afford to keep waiting and "playing the game" and trying to just hang on one more day, because I've been doing that for a year and more. I cannot overstate how bad things are. I cannot overstate the feelings that have gone through my head. I couldn't publish them.
Even if I got the government help, even if it happened tomorrow it would be barely enough to survive, let alone get out of this hole.
I need a modicum of stability, please. I need help and support and I hate asking and asking and barely scraping by.
I was once told not to feel bad about asking for help, but every time I do I feel like I'm losing some of my soul. There was a time I could help others and support people and I was happy and all I exist to feel now is anxiety and insecurity every day.
I've set up a ko-fi goal to at least get myself even on debts in the short-term. I am still continuing to push myself every day. I will try my hardest, every day. I will try to post things to my biggest supporters, custom laser cut / printed things. I will work as hard as I'm able no matter the cost to my health.
If anyone can provide stable work, please let me know. When I'm stable, I make amazing things. I can do so much when given an opportunity. I have forgotten how to be a person and I'd like to remember again.
If you can help, please share. If there's anything I can do, please tell me.